I woke up excited, anxious. It was the day of my first doctor's appointment... The day I'd find out if there is really a baby in my stomach, or if all of these symptoms are just a hoax.
I'd been praying that I'd get to hear the heartbeat. I called the doctors office a week before to see what we would be doing exactly so I'd know whether or not to bring my husband along. They told me they wouldn't do an ultrasound but that they'd check for a heartbeat. --How?
I wasn't sure but my friends told me they'd probably use a doppler to listen for it... But also warned it's hard to hear early, and not to worry if I couldn't hear it this time.
I got ready for work and finalized plans to meet my husband at the doctor's office in a few hours before heading out the door. Just as I was leaving I noticed I had a text message on my phone. ... A warning from someone I work with, saying that she wasn't the only person at work who reads my blog.
'Great' I thought to myself. Maybe only one or two people read it but that can easily turn into 10 or 20 once words spreads that a "juicy post" is up. I know there are some people who love to gossip but I didn't know the extent to which the news had traveled. A few moments later I received a text message from another friend... Asking about the story I was working on for the day, but also making a point to call me "a blogger" in the message.
The good news is I was warned. I knew it would only take a person or two for it to suddenly spread and turn into my entire company... But I wasn't prepared for the reactions.
Instead of feeling congratulated, I felt investigated. Instead of feeling excitement and anticipation from my colleagues, I'm left feeling like I'm 16 and pregnant. ... Not like the happily married woman I am who was planning to have a baby.
I knew announcing my pregnancy on my blog could mean that it would get out to people I work with sooner than I planned to tell people, but I didn't imagine people gossiping about it... Giggling about it, then interrogating me about my "secret pregnancy" as if they've cracked some Top Secret... As if I'm some immature teenager who didn't know to use a condom.
I wasn't upset about people "finding out" I was upset about the reaction. I thought people would be... Or at least seem happy for me... Even if they had read the news on my blog, or had been told from a someone else who did. I wasn't trying to hide it, if I was I wouldn't have published it, but I published it thinking the responses (if any) would be maybe something more like "congratulations."
I felt like I was in high school again... And I couldn't help but let the hormones take over and cry like a child myself. I was hurt.
The day didn't get any better in the couple of hours before my appointment. Technical problems followed by more pregnancy questions I didn't know all of the answers to myself, and looks that screamed "so and so told me about you." And then I prayed.
Now that the entire world knows I'm pregnant, I prayed to actually be pregnant. I didn't know for sure... I mean, according to several home pregnancy tests and my late friend I knew I should be, but I wasn't convinced there was a living being in there. I prayed that I am still and that I will continue to be pregnant for nine healthy months. I prayed I'd hear my baby's heart at the appointment to calm my fears and brighten my day.
I met my husband at the doctor's office and he was a trooper... Even though he was the only man in there for awhile, and unsure if he was really supposed to be there.
The nurse called us back and gave me a few more forms to fill out.
"This one just confirms that we won't tell anyone about your medical records... You don't have to worry about us telling the Newspaper or anything," she added.
'Yea, well the News already knows.' I thought to myself.
They took my weight, height, blood and blood pressure. Then the nurse told me she'd hook up the ultrasound machine for my doctor.
I was thrilled. I knew I probably wouldn't be able to hear a heartbeat yet, but that I'd be able to see it if we looked for it.
I tried not to get my hopes up... Thinking maybe she had forgotten how far along I was and was mistaken about the ultrasound. I kept a silent prayer as I met my doctor for the first time.
She was wonderful! Friendly, funny, and easy to talk to. Not in a rush at all. I felt welcomed and like she was a friend right away. She congratulated us on our first baby... It resonated well... Made me smile. Made me feel myself again.
But it wasn't until she turned the machine on and told us what we were looking for that my hopes began to soar. She saw the sac that my baby was in and a moment later our baby. Just a small dot right now... But a baby alright. And then a movement caught my eye. The movement I'd been praying for.
I saw the flicker of my baby's heartbeat... And that's when and all of my embarrassment, fears and frustrations with work went away. That small flicker melted my heart.
I didn't cry... I thought I might, but I kept myself from tearing so I wouldn't miss any of the flickers. I sent all of the negative energy away and collected every ounce of happiness, gratification and love and sent it to my baby.
... My baby who even now... No bigger an orange seed, already knows how to brighten mommy's day.
