I can see how some women say they lose their sense of self becoming a mother. It consumes you. You don't have to know me personally to see how much I love my daughter, and know how much she means to me. I'd do anything for her and do so much for her. Whether I like it or not, she is a part of the definition of who I am. She shapes my thoughts, my goals, my dreams. I catch myself for feeling guilty for dreams I have that don't necessarily include her.
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| Dress: Ralph Lauren via Ebay |
I want to take a class in creative writing, feel successful in my career, and travel (with my family) and be someone my daughter wants to be like. All while giving her all the love and attention she craves, and I yearn to give her. I want to help her develop her talents. Take her to music lessons, sports lessons, anything she wants. Is that even possible? Was my timing off to be on track to obtain all of these goals? Should I have gotten my personal and financial goals out of the way first, or would I still be waiting to have her? Thinking all of these thoughts makes me realize I am probably not cut out to have a big family.
Sometimes I miss the old days. Afternoons where I'd come home from work, surf the web, then dive into a book the rest of the evening. I've always been one to have too many things on my plate, and with a child, my plate is overflowing onto the kitchen floor.
I haven't always been the best balancer, but I have been good at juggling things. Lately I've barely been able to keep it all going, and I can't imagine what it will be like adding another child to the mix.
Before you have a child people tell you to cherish your alone time as a couple. You won't get it back for over two decades if you have a few children, and by then you will be two totally different people. My husband and I were alone together for over five years and it was great. In many ways it's even better now, but I wonder if in the end I missed out on some precious moments because I was looking to far into the future. I don't want to do that now.
About two years ago I had it all figured out. I knew I wanted to be a mom and I had planned everything around the when. This time around I'm not stuck on that. Not anymore. A lot of things are about to change for us. My husband is starting a new and exciting career and the next eight months of his training will require a lot of focus from him, and independence on my part. For both of our sakes, I want to put all thoughts of our future family out of my mind for now.
I don't want to spend any time in these special years with my little girl worrying or wondering when her future sibling(s) will show up. They'll get here when they get here and we'll enjoy those moments when they arrive. Until then, I need to enjoy the one I have.
Eventually I want to have it all. I guess I just have to have faith it'll all happen when it's supposed to.
Jenn, you know me, I am such a planner. It's very hard for me to sit back and LIVE. I am always thinking of the future, how many kids I'm going to have, when my husband's going to get that raise, when my daughter's going to go to school, when the next baby is going to be born. It's so silly, though, because obviously things rarely go according to plan. I think all human beings would be wise to plan a little but live more.
ReplyDeleteYou are a WONDERFUL woman and mother to even ponder these things; it shows God has put the desire in your heart. THAT is why you think about your family and expanding your family, you would not yearn for these things if God did not have them in your future :) Be patient..there is never a "right" time...you're on God's time baby..and he has it all figured out so you don't have to worry about it..and THAT, THAT is an amazing feeling!!
ReplyDeleteMy problem exactly Jenna! Today I don't have future abies on my brain which is extremely rare and unusual. I hope I can keep this up. I hope sometime next year it'll just hit us both and it'll be like ok "it's go time!" no coercing or pre-planning needed.
ReplyDeleteActually, I think you handle your time pretty well. I actually get a lot of inspiration from you because of so much you do. Sometimes I wake up on Sundays early to do stuff and I see that you posted something just a few hours ago, and I am like wow, where did she get the time from. In our culture, we are believers that God will not put more on your plate than you can handle, you may have to make some sacrifices but you will be very happy at the end of the day. I also have the same thoughts about how many things are on our plates, I'm a Scientist and DH is also just finishing up on his PhD in engineering. However, once he graduates, I will quit my job and become a full time Mom and do it up for my kid (s). I think this is the only way it will work. Don't get me wrong, I also have my PhD and was a HUGE career woman, but once LO was born, things changed and now I want to stay at home and do things that focus more around my family. Good luck, you are doing wonderful!
ReplyDeleteBTW If you want to take J to music classes, you can try Kindermusik, we take our little girl there and she LOVESSS it!!! It's such a great activity for her and she gets to play with other kids (big plus seeing that she doesn't go to day care.) Check it out!
Beautiful post. So excited for your hubby and for your family. Things are starting to fall into place for us finally and I'm so excited to finally having a place to call our own. My hubby is doing well in his job and school is chugging along for me. I was so worried a few years ago about being financially ready for a baby but we definitely have all that under control now and I know we won't ever really have to worry about money so long as things stay the way they are going. I can't wait to be done with school and have my own career but I also tread having to juggle family and a career. We are trying right now and I'm praying I get pregnant next month because the timing would be perfect. Baby would be due Mid May after my final exams and I would have most of the summer to spend with the baby. Wish me luck!
ReplyDeleteAwww. Good luck Sarah! I remember us both debating having kids years ago, so excited to see your next step in the journey!
ReplyDeleteHoney don't you realize, you do have it all. you're an amazing mother, you have a wonderful career, a man who loves and supports you and loves his family. You HAVE It all! You are super blessed. Hugs,
ReplyDelete@beautylogicblog I didn't think of it that way. You're right. Jeez, I'm never satisfied!
ReplyDeleteI agree with beautylogicblog -- when I saw the title of this post, I thought, "Wow, Jenn knows she's got it all!" Haha.
ReplyDeleteAs my kids grow into adults I yearn for their youth. I miss them even though they are still here. But... at the same time I'm ready to move on with my "other" life! Balancing a husband, child career, and finding time for yourself is challenging! Hang in there, and don't over plan!!
ReplyDeleteOmg...
ReplyDeleteIt's so humbling reading your post and might I say, you have taught me a whole lot. I'm a newlywed and my husband and I are both trecking through school and work slowly. I get discouraged sometimes but reading your blog truly inspires me. Sometimes when you post something, I'm like wow! Superstar! How does she do it with baby and all. I can hardly get dinner ready most nights. You're really great and please don't stop posting...you inspire me and many other women. When the time comes, years from now probably, I know I'll be a great mom nomatter what.
PS: Couple night went AWESOME. I took pictures and will share soon. You definitely have some new followers on your blog. I knew I'd get them hooked :)
Amen, sister!!! AMEN. I think so many of us have felt the same way. But what you are focusing on NOW is the best. I love you my friend. You say it best.
ReplyDeleteGirl, you got it! Everything does not have to be figured out/planned. You are doing great. Sit back, relax, and be satisfied!
ReplyDeleteI'm having a h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e day and I needed this so badly. Thank you so much for sharing. Though I will admit, I'm excited for the day you blog that you're pregnant again- we both need to just simply enjoy our daughters right now instead of constantly planning! :-) Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteAmen is right! Same sorts of issues here. Same compulsive thoughts. Same conclusion.
ReplyDeleteI drove by a church the other day and the sign said "Someday is NOT a day of the week." I thought wow!! How profound,simple but yet hard to do,for anyone.Especially mommies like us.To just be in the moment and choose to cherish this gift called existence :)Dezy <3
ReplyDeletei am EXACTLY where you are right now! I have one baby and im missing my hubby and me and all the alone time i used to have, but at the same time LOVING my 10 month old baby boy. the mixed emotions are hard to pinpoint sometimes.
ReplyDeleteBeing a mom is hard and amazing at the same time. I'm finally feeling like I'm balancing my three jobs OK (wife, mom, professional)as my son is ready to turn 1, but I also know that everything is a phase. I'm also thankful that continuing to work has helped me to maintain a sense of self. It's funny, but I find myself freaking out most about what's next vs. day-to-day. I guess that's actually a good thing!
ReplyDeleteYou've come a long way, baby! I think you've really matured in the last few years.
ReplyDeleteVery well said. They will get there when they are supposed to, just like Lil J did. You thought you planned it to the "T", but God had it all figured out before you.
ReplyDeleteAs moms I think we will forever be tight rope walkers, but we will always make it work, because we must!