A year ago I had changed hundreds of other people's babies' diapers, but it wasn't until these past few weeks that I got to experience changing a diaper in the pitch black middle of the night while half asleep.
Three weeks ago I was jaded, thinking I'd be completely different from other moms I had witnessed, and "in control" of my emotions. As prepared as I thought I was, I'm learning my perception on how things would be was way off.Three weeks ago I had never looked into the eyes of my child and had no idea what it felt like to love someone this much. I wasn't prepared for that kind of attachment. The way I love my husband is different, this is a love I can't control, it consumes me.
About a year ago I wrote about my impression of stay at home moms, and asked what it was like. "The hardest job in the world," people told me. What was so hard about it?
This week I applied my makeup and straightened my hair with one arm, while nursing my daughter in the other. I dropped everything I was working on to mend her cries. I toted her into the bathroom with me while I took a shower so she wouldn't have to cry alone in her bed, and so the sound of the water running would soothe her. I had no problem shutting babies I babysat outside the bathroom door and letting them cry for a few moments while I used the restroom, but three weeks ago I learned I couldn't bare to do that to my own child.--Fearing she'd feel like I'm abandoning her by not immediately tending to her needs.
She cries when we're in the car for too long, and it's the worst feeling in the world not being able to help her.
To me, the duties of feeding, watching, cleaning and holding my child aren't what's hard about being a mother. What makes the job more difficult than anything I've ever done is the undying love I can't tame.
Several months ago a woman told me I'd be begging to go back to work partway through my maternity leave--That work outside the home is so much easier. I know it's only been three weeks, but as of now I couldn't disagree more. My role as a mother won't end just because I'm outside of the home for 8-10 hours a day. I'll still wonder, worry, pump and love, then still attend to her needs when I get home.
A few days ago another woman told me my mind may change after I've been at home with my daughter for 6 months. Unfortunately I won't have the chance to know.
Six weeks partial pay--That's what I, and many women I know get for maternity leave. Plus an additional optional six weeks I've opted to take at the expense of forfeiting six weeks of any pay. I can't imagine going back to work in another three weeks.
Luckily, my husband will be home to watch and take care of her when I do finally go back to work full time, but right now I can't even bare to leave him alone with her--A fear I'll need to overcome soon.
I'm not going to argue whether working outside, inside, or solely as a mother at home is more or less difficult than any of the other. That's not what it's about. All I know is that for me, myself, my family and I, working inside the home would be a dream come true.
Having this new found love makes it nearly impossible to imagine leaving her daily for a job that feels insignificant compared to her. But in order to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads it's necessary for the time being.
I knew this when we chose to move forward with expanding our family now, rather than years from now. But I'm hoping to change that in the next couple of years.
I watched The Secret, and I know when you have a goal, one part of making it a reality is telling others, and "sending it out to the universe," so I'm doing that now!By 2012 I want to be able to still do what I do best and work from home. I'm hoping, praying and wishing for it all to work out. It'll take a lot to make it a reality but if it's meant to be it'll be, and I can't help but feel like that's what I'm suppose to do.
***
Random.org winner of maid service: #74: Natalie from Our Old Southern House. Congrats! I'll email you the code!
***
It's been so fun to watch you "grow". This post has warmed my heart more than you'll ever know. Not because you know how I feel now but because THIS is how I feel. The love I feel when I look into MY child's eyes are NOTHING compared to anything I have ever felt. You managed to put it into words. This is why I stay home. I know this is where I belong. That doesn't mean I love my child less or more. It is just right for me. So when the time comes, I hope you can enjoy the fulfillment of your own dreams. I do think working at home in the beginning will make you appreciate the time you do get when you become a stay at home mom though! Good luck! PS Sorry for the ramblings. It's late. LOL
ReplyDeleteI pray that you are able to meet this goal in God's time! The love that a Mother has for their child is like no other. I can never imagine loving someone like I do Charli Beth, she is my world and what gets me through the toughest days!
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to the feelings of untamed love. There were times after my kids were born where I would look at them that my heart would swell and I would get tears in my eyes. I loved them THAT much. You are fabulous with the crafty stuff. I bet you could get an Etsy store going. Good luck with your 2012 goal.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your goal.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there is supplemental insurance to help with maternity leave. I have mine through Aflac. It's a great alterantive because you can choose to pay a premium that will allow you to basically get paid your full pay the entire 12 weeks you're off.
This is especially helpful to me because as a teacher our leave is our sick time and unless you've taught for many years, it wouldn't be much of a maternity leave.
She is so beautiful! It is something unbelievable to be completely responsible for a helpless little human you created. I hope you enjoy the time you have at home full-time and I hope your dream of being back in the home come true in 2012.
ReplyDeleteI've been able to be at home for 10 years but am now looking forward to a part-time job outside while my kids are in school. Everything has a season I guess.
You are so cute. Congratulations. I am sure you will soon get over worrying about her crying while you go to the bathroom. Someday you will probably lock yourself in the bathroom to give yourself a timeout. It is a great place to hide. Good luck mama.
ReplyDeleteCongrats! It is for sure becoming a different person when you have a child! Best thing ever!!! I loved this post.
ReplyDeleteI love this post, it really sums up exactly how I felt when my first child was born.
ReplyDeleteI am a working mama as well but feel so lucky living in the UK where we get nine months paid leave now. I can't even imagine having to go back after only six weeks. But, from what I know of you, you will make it work! you're doing an amazing job.
Wonderful post. I so hope you can accomplish your goal, never lose faith.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you are able to do it! For a short time I was able to work part time.. I think it was about 8 or 9 months and that was the best time of my life. I still was out of the house but I enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom more than working.. even though I needed a break. I wish you had better leave time.. I am totally thankful that I work a state job.. never really thinking that when maternity leave was a question, I had it better than others. Have a wonderful 12 weeks and don't worry about her when you go back. She will totally understand.
ReplyDeleteNot much of my business, but I think with your talents and skills, working from home is something you could definitely find a way to do!
ReplyDeleteI believe it will totally work out for you and your family. Going back to work after six weeks is difficult ... more for us than for them.
ReplyDeleteLove this post! But can you tell me how you manage to "applied my makeup and straightened my hair with one arm, while nursing my daughter in the other."?!?! I'm on baby #2 and still could not manage that feat :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! I think you put into words the essence of motherhood. I wish all the best for you and your family. Our Heavenly Father loves you and is proud of your decision to become a mother. Whatever happens, I know you and B will be excellent parents and Lil J will grow up knowing she is very loved. Love you!
ReplyDeleteLove this post! Having a baby is a big piece of humble pie, with a HUGE dollop of love on top! It's hard, but wonderful. I think you understand the Family Proclamation, in that your job is -primarily- to nurture the children that you have, but there are circumstances where you will have other responsibilities. I hope you will eventually be able to stay home with your child(ren). (And, to the commenter who said you will eventually lock yourself in the bathroom to get away...yes, that is true. But it doesn't come until at least after the first year of life! lol)
ReplyDeleteoh jen, you sound just like me...except we get no maternity leave as teachers. you can take up to 12--but all are no pay. and i was on bedrest for 12 weeks beforehand (again, no pay)...it was rough.
ReplyDeletei said my first day back to work when she was 8 weeks old, 'i WILL find out a way to stay at home, at least part-time, by the time she's 2'.
and next month--when she turns 19 months--i am going part-time, on one week/off the next week.
it's a dream come true that i've prayed every day for!
good luck and god bless you in your dream!
Wow....You brought me to tears. Things will work out...we'll keep praying they do. Your little one will always know you love her regardless of weather you're there all the time or not. You're an awesome mother and you're doing great!
ReplyDeleteSet those goals and got for them! And enjoy every moment with the little one!
ReplyDeletei'm a full-time working mom (which by the way you should link up to my Working Mom Network - http://www.workwifemomlife.com/2001/05/working-mommy-network.html)
ReplyDeleteit's tough...i returned to work when my daughter was 3.5 months old. it amazes me that Canada has an entire year of paid maternity leave ... and dads can take it too!! luckily i had enough vacation and sick days to take 3.5 months... i couldn't afford to NOT get paid. i returned to work then again when my son was only 8 weeks old... that was waaaaay to fast. i was not ready. you really will get used to it and it makes coming home sooooo much better!!! having your baby smile when she sees you is amazing
Well, I'm blessed to have a job where Moo can tag along. And I agree that the hardest part about being a mother is not the child or the responsibilities, but the worrying and fretting and not being able to be in control of all the love you feel for such a little person. I believe that God has already equipped with everything that you need to make your dream a reality.
ReplyDeleteYour baby girl is so preciousm but I think you know that already!
ReplyDeleteI'm not a mama yet - I'e been married for 11 month exactly and am (only) 23, but boy am I longing for own little bundle of joy so I've really enjoyinf following you on facebook and this blog and the few vlogs you've done.
I'll pray with you that by 2012 you're working from home and can have as much time with your little princess as you wish.
I just re-read one of your posts from 2009 about how to convince your husband it's time to have a baby! Classic - so funny. I might have to try that, but my hubby is so smart he might not fall for it.
I'm originally from The Kingdom of Lesotho and South Africa, so I'm African and my husband is German (Arian actually) so whenever I see mixed kids or babies I'm always pointing them out to him. We are so excited to see what shade of caramel, toffey or coffee our kids will be! :D
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for openning up to all us strangers and encouraging us.
Love Liako Mohale-Dreher
This post brought tears to my eyes. The words you used to describe the love for your hubby and baby are the exact words I used after I gave birth to my lil' one. :)
ReplyDeleteLike you I'm a career woman. Plus we had to be a dual income family to make it. I use the word HAD because after being back at work for 3 weeks, I hit the glass ceiling! They thought a new mom would hold back the rest of the team!!! (Even though unlike other women I was more adamant to finish my work faster in order to get back home to my baby.) Anyway, they started to cause me trouble and withheld a promotion and salary increase. I thought that was a total blow, so I quit!
The two weeks I was home after that made me sit my hubby down and tell him I want to make a career out of being a stay-at-home mom. He had some concerns but he finally agreed. I've been home ever since!
Yes, it's got it's tough days... but it's also got some wonderful days. I don't think one is easier than the other (staying at home or working). Each has it's obstacles!
You made me all teary eyed! This is a beautiful post that completely captured the all encompassing love that we feel for our children. Congratulations on your adorable daughter.
ReplyDeleteStopping by via SITS.
I have so enjoyed witnessing the way you've grown through pregnancy and now motherhood. It's such a beautiful thing to witness, even out here in bloggy land. Motherhood certainly changes a woman, doesn't it? Enjoy...
ReplyDeleteKristi, Live and Love...Out Loud
@TweetingMama
Funny how babies tend to change everything. . .I pray all the best for you and your new baby and that you achieve all of your goals--or something even better. ;-)
ReplyDeleteFound you in the SITS #31DBBB challenge. What a fabulous group of amazing women.
That is exactly how I felt when I had my DS and I still can't imagine leaving my little ones to go to a job that can't even compare in significance. If you feel so strongly about being able to be home full time with your little one you could re-evaluate your lifestyle and see if there are things that you are willing to do without in order to need less income to meet the needs of your family. Children actually need very little more than love, food, shelter, and warmth and it's amazing what you can do without as a mom when you know that the benefits to your baby are greater. This decision is one that only you and your DH can make, no one else can make it for you. Ask lots of questions from people you trust and do any research you feel is necessary but ultimately your gut will probably be your best guide.
ReplyDeleteMotherhood is a wonderful and beautiful adventure with all the ups and downs of a novel, and noting else will ever compare now that you know the unique love of a mother. You'll do great.
Oh, so congratulations on your little cutie pa-tootie! What an on-target post - but, lol, it took me until the 5th son for nursing to become something easier than bottle feeding. I am so happy for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm wishing you luck on reaching your goal!
ReplyDeleteI love your post. I feel so guilty (and jealous) that I have to work. We are both teachers and one salary will not pay mortgage and bills. I dread going back in a few weeks...my new little man will be 3 months. My MIL will be at my home watching him and my 2 yr old. I keep telling myself as two teachers they get both Mommy and Daddy during breaks and summer (we work 196 days a year). See constantly justifying it.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you can stay home in two years! Your husband will cherish his time with Lil J! Bring lots of tissues when your leave is up...it is SOO hard!
i feel similarly- leaving my 8 month old to go to work is a means to an end at this point. but, hub will graduate grad school in Dec and i'm getting creative at work and hoping to only work 2 days a week by early next year! doors will open up for you!
ReplyDeleteif you want it, you can make it happen. we are hoping to be pregnant in the next few months, and my goal is much the same as yours. i want to be either at home or working at home by the end of summer 2012. i know it will be so difficult for us financially, but 100% worth it. if you had asked me 3 years ago if would ever want to be a sahm, i would have said no way. now it is all my heart wants. pray hard, work hard, and i know it will happen for both of us. :)
ReplyDeleteThis brings back such good memories! I am a working mom of 3 -- God will work out the details with work! I'll be praying for you. God bless! I just wrote a book for working mothers. It's called Chasing Superwoman -- hope to get to know you further. Keep taking care of that little gem!
ReplyDeleteBeing a mom is soooo hard. I think you're getting along brilliantly, even when it doesn't seem like it.
ReplyDeleteWhat a terrific and truthful post. Your daughter is absolutely beautiful and the new mama love you're experiencing is tangible. I do believe you will find a way to make it work and achieve your goal of working from home by 2012, simply because you have the passion and purpose to make it happen. Good luck on this mothering journey, it's a rocky ride but absolutely worth it!
ReplyDeletefrom Babes about Town
http://babesabouttown.com
You can only anticipate so much...when the baby actually comes the whole world changes. :)
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the feeling of how impossible it is to leave your baby. I have never had to go back to work, but even the idea of leaving my baby with a babysitter for a couple of hours is hard for me. I can't imagine trying to work.
I do believe that if you have a concrete goal (even if you don't know how you'll pull it off) and if the goal is a righteous one, then "all things work together for good to those that love God" and one way or another it'll work out for you.
Just wanted to pop in and congratulate you on the birth of your beautiful baby girl! Isn't parenthood so different when you're smack dab in the middle of it? I can't tell you how many of my views have changed by being on the other side of the parenthood window.
ReplyDeleteIt's so cool to see how you've changed now that your a mom!!! All your thoughts and actions now come from a different place, right?? I've been home with my daughter since birth and will continue to be until she starts preschool in Sdeptember and I wouldn't change it for the world!! Sure, there are days I WISH I could leave for 8 hours but I know those hours would be spent wishing I was with her!!
ReplyDeleteYour pretty lucky that you get 6 weeks partial pay and the option for 6 more without- my job offered 12 weeks UNPAID and when my short term disability ended (due to pregnancy probs) and my maternity was supposed to begin- my job terminated me!!! They said I was missing paperwork (which is bull cuz it was all the same for both leaves and I was approved for one!!!) and should have returned and when I didn't- BAM- fired!! It's been 3 years and though it's caused EXTREME financial difficulty, maybe it was a blessing in disguise because I've been able to be here with my daughter and watch some of the most amazing things!!
I can tell your an amazing mom already and when the time comes to make choices, you'll just know what to do and how to deal....trust me!
What a great post, it is always great to see a new mom embrace her new role with such delight! Your baby is beautiful, congrats =)
ReplyDeleteHi! Thanks for coming to my blog and following! I came onto yours to check it out...and now I feel like a famous person is following me. This blog is amazing and already so popular and well known. I've heard of you many times before through the grapevine of mom bloggers. All I can say now is DANG! Lucky me. Thanks! New follower of yours!
ReplyDeleteCarrie
Thank you for the insightful post. It gave me a lot to think about as my husband and I start plan to have a family. You are a good mom and she a pretty little girl.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations!!! She is so beautiful! You, as always, put your thoughts so wonderfully to words. When I gave birth for the first time, I felt as if the baby were still a part of my body...like my kidney or something. I couldn't stand being away from her. So, I shelved my teaching career and am still at home 5 years later. I believe in that Secret stuff, too. Lots of good thoughts sent your way!
ReplyDeleteBeing a mom is soooo hard. I think you're getting along brilliantly, even when it doesn't seem like it.
ReplyDeleteif you want it, you can make it happen. we are hoping to be pregnant in the next few months, and my goal is much the same as yours. i want to be either at home or working at home by the end of summer 2012. i know it will be so difficult for us financially, but 100% worth it. if you had asked me 3 years ago if would ever want to be a sahm, i would have said no way. now it is all my heart wants. pray hard, work hard, and i know it will happen for both of us. :)
ReplyDeleteYour baby girl is so preciousm but I think you know that already!
ReplyDeleteI'm not a mama yet - I'e been married for 11 month exactly and am (only) 23, but boy am I longing for own little bundle of joy so I've really enjoyinf following you on facebook and this blog and the few vlogs you've done.
I'll pray with you that by 2012 you're working from home and can have as much time with your little princess as you wish.
I just re-read one of your posts from 2009 about how to convince your husband it's time to have a baby! Classic - so funny. I might have to try that, but my hubby is so smart he might not fall for it.
I'm originally from The Kingdom of Lesotho and South Africa, so I'm African and my husband is German (Arian actually) so whenever I see mixed kids or babies I'm always pointing them out to him. We are so excited to see what shade of caramel, toffey or coffee our kids will be! :D
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for openning up to all us strangers and encouraging us.
Love Liako Mohale-Dreher
I have so enjoyed witnessing the way you've grown through pregnancy and now motherhood. It's such a beautiful thing to witness, even out here in bloggy land. Motherhood certainly changes a woman, doesn't it? Enjoy...
ReplyDeleteKristi, Live and Love...Out Loud
@TweetingMama
Love this post! But can you tell me how you manage to "applied my makeup and straightened my hair with one arm, while nursing my daughter in the other."?!?! I'm on baby #2 and still could not manage that feat :)
ReplyDeleteNot much of my business, but I think with your talents and skills, working from home is something you could definitely find a way to do!
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to the feelings of untamed love. There were times after my kids were born where I would look at them that my heart would swell and I would get tears in my eyes. I loved them THAT much. You are fabulous with the crafty stuff. I bet you could get an Etsy store going. Good luck with your 2012 goal.
ReplyDeleteShe is so beautiful! It is something unbelievable to be completely responsible for a helpless little human you created. I hope you enjoy the time you have at home full-time and I hope your dream of being back in the home come true in 2012.
ReplyDeleteI've been able to be at home for 10 years but am now looking forward to a part-time job outside while my kids are in school. Everything has a season I guess.